my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
