Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
