if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
