rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
