i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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