NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
