her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
