I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
