I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
