This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
