C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
