there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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