scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i think i have two assholes
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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