If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
