i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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