it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.