The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.