My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
