I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Randomize
