i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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