I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
