New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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