Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You smell like stripper and shame
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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