so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
