Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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