I accidentally had phone sex last night
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
