I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
