Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
