U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
They took my balls.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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