Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
