I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
