I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
