you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
