Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
