I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
