guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
