he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
