her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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