I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
