I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Randomize
