You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
