a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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