You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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