two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
