I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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