two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
