His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just want nice things and good sex
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
