My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
