two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
