I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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