Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
