WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
im holly from the hills drunk
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
