when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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