New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
