I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
