I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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