I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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