If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
