I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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