i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
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That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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