I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
