I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
