So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
